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I like to keep my friends close, and my attractive friends even closer.
Helpful Tip : The police never think it`s as funny as you do.
If you can say "I made six figures last year," you either have a well paying job or you`re the worst employee at a toy factory
It`s bigger on the inside..said no woman, ever!
It`s been discovered that 1% of the population is allergic to Gluten. The other 99% are sick and tired of hearing about it......
I think instead of doing laundry I`m just going to buy a second hamper...
Hey,,,, I said I`d be there in 10 minutes... Quit calling me every half hour.
They should just go ahead and put a volume setting on my TV that says "Eating Doritos".
How big does a cupcake have to be before it’s just a cake?
You know it`s a classy establishment when they quietly ask you to leave.
You couldn`t handle five minutes in my head.
I hate when people passive-aggressively post vague, indirect statuses. You know who you are...
You wanna know where I`m ticklish? Hawaii.
Try this... When leaving a fancy restaurant tell the people coming in "I recommend you try the donkey, snail or the squirrel".
You call them ‘naps’ but I prefer to call them ‘alcohol-induced aftershocks`