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I thought the movie `fast & furious` was about my sex life. I`m fast, my wife is furious.
I called one of those numbers in the bathroom stall and my wife answered. Very funny guys.
has often thought that what doesn’t kill us makes us drink stronger liquor.
Everything I like is either: illegal, immoral, fattening, addictive, expensive, or impossible.
May all of us be as good looking/ beautiful as we look on our FB profile pic..
So far,,, I`ve spent 300% of this week exaggerating.
I was hooked on auctions after only going once... going twice
been there, done that, wrote the book and have the t-shirt to prove it. What more do you want!
If you don`t do stupid sh!t while you`re young, you`ll have nothing to talk about later in life while sitting at the bar.
Grabbed Pizza Roll. Thought "my god that is so hot it`s burning my fingers" and immediately popped it in my mouth ... I`m a goddamn genius.
Word of the day is bishop: My aunt fell down the stairs and I had to pick the bishop.
What`s the hold up on making extremely heavy shoes for toddlers so they can`t run around so much?
I`ll never fall in love untill and unless love falls on me!
Every time I go to the bank I ask if they are giving out any free samples.
LIFE HACK: Sneak into doctor`s waiting rooms instead of subscribing to magazines.