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You never realize how boring your life is until someone asks you what you like to do for fun.
I`m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign And before that ... we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that sh!t.
I wish I could veto MY bills.
I`m thinkin` Dodgeball........... but with random people..........who don`t know they are playing.............
We all have that friend who acts innocent but understands all the dirty jokes.
I don`t think boredom gets enough blame for the trouble it causes.
For every action, there’s an equal and opposite reaction. Plus a social media overreaction.
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
I saw some footage of some polar bears drinking water today. It’s obviously fake. Everybody knows they only drink Coca-Cola.
Let`s share...you take the grenade and I`ll take the pin.
I was planning on doing something today, but I haven`t finished doing nothing from yesterday.
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn`t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
If my jokes offend you: 1. I’m sorry. 2. It won’t happen again. 3. 1 & 2 are lies. 4. You’re a wussy.
The girl at the Taco Bell drive thru gave me this “I know your high” look. I snatched my 37 crunchy tacos and got out of there.
Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for — in order to get to the job you need to pay for the clothes and the car, and the house you leave vacant all day so you can afford to live in it.