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I hate when I accidentally say "I love you" instead of "I`m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you and I`m temporarily delusional."
Sorry, kids. It appears ninjas ate all of our Halloween candy.
Corduroy pillows?... They`re making headlines!....
Twerking is just shaking your a$$? Why did we need a new word? A$$-shaking has served us well for centuries.
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore.
Too bad the little guy "Tattoo" from Fantasy Island isn`t around anymore. They could ask HIM where the plane is!
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
Answering my phone and saying... FBI fraud division. Has really cut down on the telemarketers.
I`m starting to doubt that all of the people in this singing group are called Carol.
I need more people like me in my life
It’s amazing what I’m able to get done when I need to do something else.
I just saw a 3D printer at the UPS store. It`s kind of cool, but I won`t be impressed until it can print snacks...
Kim and Kanye have been married WAY longer then I expected.
There’s no such thing as being ready for vacation to be over.
People always ask me, where do I come up with my status`, do I make them up, or do I get them from the internet.. Truth is people. I use Status Enhancing Drugs.