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If you make something easier for yourself they call you lazy. If you make something easier for everyone else they call you a genius.
I thought about going outside and doing something today but my Wi-Fi really doesn`t reach very far.
Allow me to explain myself via a new communication method I like to call "Interpretive Napping"
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
Remember to make some bad decisions today. 20 years from now that’s all you’ll have to make your kids think you’re cool.
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn`t notice... until they needed to wink at somebody.
Passed a vampire, a zombie, and a prostitute on the way to work tonight. Not sure which ones were in costume…
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn`t 3 hours long.
It`s so hard being a single mom when you have no kids and are a male teenager.
If you`re not employed by the Secret Service, there is absolutely no reason to have a Bluetooth on your ear.
I can`t possibly f*ck up the entire universe, so that`s a relief.
You know you are getting old when people start telling you how young you look.
Some people you know was dropped on their heads as babies. Some were clearly thrown in the air, hit the ceiling fan, bounced off the wall and fell out the window.
I can`t wait to miss the upcoming season of American Idol.
Marrying your high school sweetheart is like taking the banker`s first offer on Deal or No Deal.