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I got on-line to check the weather...That was 12 years ago.
The human body is roughly 60% water. I`m not fat, I`m flooded.
When my boss is in town, I set out pictures of kids on my desk. They aren`t my kids but he`d never fire a Mom of seven, right?
People that walk behind cars get exhausted
Snakes are terrifying because they can`t trip and fall over sh!t. No creature should possess such power.
I think the spork would have caught on better if they called it "a forkin` spoon!"
A garbage disposal is just a device for finishing off all the food no one else in the house will eat.
Fact: Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes great subway sandwiches.
If you have really strong opinions on subjects that you know very little about... then Facebook just may be the perfect thing for you.
If you can’t be a good example, then you’l just have to serve as a horrible warning
Love makes the world go round, but alcohol makes it go round twice as fast!
Don`t be ashamed of who you are. That`s your parents job.
I hate when the cops throw me in the back of the squad car like they didn’t hear me call shotgun.
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at a floor and think, "I`d so tap that."