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Dating: the process of hiding your crazy just long enough to get the other person to commit.
When I get home the first thing I`m going to do is rip my wife`s panties off. Because they`re too small and the elastic is killing me.
Dear liver…. Here is an advance sorry for tonight… sincerely Jimmy…
You offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she’s not your friend anymore.
Oh I thought it was wait 30 YEARS after eating before you exercise.
You seem like a sweat person. Mind if I lick you to find out?
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always like to write: "Last warning, you have a week to get the rest of the money together."
I wonder if there are any times on the clock that I have never seen.
This recliner and I go way back.
Facebook`s list of "suggested friends" is quite literally a list of people I`ve been avoiding my entire life.
When I see something funny on the internet, I don’t usually laugh. I just blow more air out of my nose than usual.
"Nothing there? Better bark at it." - my dog
Can`t they just make a "Poke infinity" button?
Don`t understand how people in depression commercials can be sad with how attractive they are.
My mum`s so old fashioned she thinks LOL = Lots of love. She sent me an SMS saying just to let you know you`re Pa`s in hospital LOL.