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I wish I lived in a glass house, those people seem to have a lot of fun...
I clean my house like everyone else ... 5 minutes before someone comes over.
You know you`re old when you think "pokemon" is a gay rastafarian
I never make plans until I know how I am getting out of them.
Imagine how much faster Olympic sprinters could run if they saw their wives going through their phones at the finish line
What is easier to pick up the heavier it gets? Women hahaha
People go to the bar hoping for two things ... to get hammered or to get nailed.
My fitness goal is just to get down to the weight that I lied about on my drivers license.
Be nice to nerds. You`ll probably be working for them one day
I love that little thing that you do...You know, the one where you leave.
Of course I like you, I gave you that roofie didn`t I?
When you introduce clapping to your dancing you might probably be too old to be in a night club at 1am.
Whenever I think of a funny status I always get a pen and write it down so I can use it later, and if the pen is too far away I just convince myself that it wasn’t that funny anyway.
Life is like a bowl of soup; you only get blown if you’re hot.
I call in sick on full moons just to make them wonder.