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A world without women would be a pain in the a$$.
Somewhere, a smart Lasik surgeon has an office full of brochures that are all slightly out of focus.
Facebook: Proving that just because you have an opinion doesn`t mean you should share it.
I want rich people problems. Like where to park my yacht.
Change is always hard.... Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
Of all the grotesque sounds coming from the bathroom stall next to me, the camera click was the most disturbing!!
Iām offering a $1000 reward to anyone who brings me $1000 and a taco.
Exaggerations went up a million percent last year.
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those? -Me, at Home Depot
Artificial intelligence is a wonderful thing. I told my computer that today is my birthday, and it said that I needed an upgrade.
After four karate lessons, I can now break a two-inch board with my cast
It`s all sh*ts and giggles till somebody giggles and sh*ts
Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.
Your secrets are safe with me because I zone out everytime you speak.
Awkward moment when you just wanted a sugar daddy but becomes the First Lady of America!