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The more neighbors I spy on through my binoculars, the creepier I think all my neighbors are!
Corduroy pillows?... They`re making headlines!....
I forgot to pay my bill to the exorcist and so I got re-possesed.
What happens in Vegas never happens to me
Whenever my son questions my knowledge on any subject, I just remind him that I`m older than the Internet.
Is it just me or is waking up at 3am and trying to read a text message like looking directly into the sun?
I tell people that the secret ingredient in my cookies is “love,” but it’s actually “floor”
Eleventeen percent of the population makes up words.
Madonna is 55 her boyfriend is 22. Tina Turner is 75 her boyfriend is 40. JLo is 42 her boyfriend is 26. Still single? Relax. Your boyfriend hasn`t been born yet.
You know what the trouble with jogging is...by the time you realize you`re not in shape for it, it`s too far to walk back.
My insomnia is getting worse. I was wide awake all day at work yesterday.
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we`d still be talking about how we`re not finding that airplane.
I`m a little Stressed right now ... Just turn around and leave quietly and no one gets hurt.
Did you ever wonder why the cat was in the bag in the first place?
I`m glad I don`t work in an office. I can only imagine the smell at lunch time when everybody opens their egg salad sandwiches today.