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Being `clean and sober` means I`ve showered and I`m headed to the liquor store.
Before you decide to spend less time on social media... make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
I`m only a morning person on December 25th
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore.
My friend on Facebook "Can`t believe its Monday again already"... if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
Does the 5 second rule apply to soup? Please answer quickly!
Yes I walked away mid-conversation. You were boring me to death and my survival instincts kicked in
If you eat doughnuts fast enough your Fitbit thinks you`re walking.
Adding “and sh!t” at the end of a sentence can make anything sound thug. Example: “I was playing with my bubbles and sh!t.”
It`s a bird.. it`s a plane..no wait..it`s a blade of grass....
I always put in a full eight hours at work. Spread out over the course of the week.
You might call it lazy ... I call it selective participation.
I got food poisoning today. I don`t know when I`ll use it though.
Reasons to date me: I laugh at my own jokes so you don`t have to.