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Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
Women spend more time thinking about what men think than men actually spend thinking.
Some of my ideas are about as profitable as selling YOLO T-Shirts at a Reincarnation seminar
I love to start my day by getting on Facebook to see who is a whiny little bi!ch today.
Let`s start by taking some notes today. I`m fabulous bitches! Write that down.
Facebook is serious. I put more thought into whether or not to accept a friend request than whether or not to sleep with someone.
The last 10 seconds of every voicemail my grandmother leaves me is her trying to hang up the phone.
If every porkshop was perfect, we wouldn`t have hot dogs.
Choosing A Career Is Like Chosing A Wife From 10 Girls. Even If You Pick The Most Beautiful, Intelligent, Kindest Woman, There`s Still Pain Of Losing The Other 9
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job? Me: Yeah, can I have it?
That`s disgusting! (unless you`re up for it?)
“I wish there was a more convenient way to stalk others”- The phrase that started Facebook.
I hate people who take drugs......like the police.
The bouncer from my local nightclub calls me Macaulay Culkin because I always go home alone.
I`m the type of person who goes out to a restaurant and orders a veggie burger with cheese and bacon on it.