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God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and ten million dollars.
I want to spend the rest of my life photo bombing the Google street view camera shots dressed as Waldo.
I like the part of the day when food happens.
I must say I enjoy it more when a girl asks me out. To me, there`s nothing more attractive than that high level of confidence, initiative, and poor judgment.
About 110,000 people contract chlamydia each month, more than signed up for Obamacare. Obamacare is less popular than chlamydia.
My buddy asked me the other night if he could crash on my couch. I had to explain to him that I`m married now and that`s where I sleep.
Think about the nicest thing anyone`s ever said about you. Not really true, right?
Drinking: because why not intensify the feelings you`re trying to escape?
I know she`s talking about rain but I don`t like hearing my mom say she got 6 inches
The secret to happiness is a good sense of humor and a bad memory.
If ANY of my posts have made even one person’s day better, then there’s something seriously wrong with that person
I`d go to church if they had Wi-Fi.
Hey ladies! Great news! Those low riding, butt crack, hip hugger jeans are coming back in style!
The Wizard of Oz is the ultimate chick flick. It`s about two women trying to kill each other over shoes.
Being human is expensive and exhausting.