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Men, remember to re-stock the spiders this weekend so she remembers why she keeps you around.
Go through a fast food drive thru. When they repeat your order back to you, say "And can I get that to go?" and enjoy the confused silence.
My smoke detectors are always cheering me on for being such a great cook.
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream. Bring it.
The longest 10 seconds of my day is when I have to hold down the button on an electronic thing to turn it off
You know the road is in bad shape when you drive to the grocery store and your fitbit registers 1,000 steps.
My phone is covered in cupcake frosting and dried ice cream, in case you were wondering how my life is going.
Today please just pretend I wrote something hilarious, click like, and move on down the news feed.
My wife says I`m a clueless idiot ... I didn`t even know I had a wife.
Just bought two donuts without sprinkles...Diets are hard!
What do you mean I should be more productive? Do you think this cocktail made itself?
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him. Must get that from his mother.
I just thought you should know, I just did all the laundry and didn`t lose a sock to the dryer monster...
Never do anything for money. Unless it’s a lot of money. Then do anything.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.