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Funny how 8 glasses of water a day seems impossible, but 8 beers a day seems so easy
Million dollar idea: Alarm clock that releases spiders... NOW you`re up.
If I could have dinner with anyone either alive or dead. I would totally choose dead. Because, more food for me then.
Actually baby, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
I would call my fashion style: “clothes that still fit.”
What Meatloaf wouldn`t do for love I would probably do for a six pack.
I`m not totally useless. I can be used as a bad example.
Imagine how much faster Olympic sprinters could run if they saw their wives going through their phones at the finish line
I have a bad habit of laughing at inappropriate moments.
Never scratch your a$$ with chocolate on your fingers.
I think I bought just enough fireworks to get my neighbor to move.
The lottery gives you a 1 in 20 billion chance you won`t go to work tomorrow. Alcohol gives you 1 in 5. You play your game and I`ll play mine.
Random Fact of the Day: Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.
Remember when you were a kid and all you would use the computer for was paint and space pinball?
When a bird hits your window have you ever wondered is god playing angry birds hmm