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Just so you know, the movie "Life of Pi" has nothing to do with dessert.
Reasons to get out of bed: Food.
At long last, I`ve finished my research into the effect alcohol has on physical movement.....The results were, quite frankly, staggering.
Adulthood is mostly about being tired and wishing you hadn’t made plans.
My train of thought is loco, no motive.
I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of the plane...
If you still pay for porn I just want you to know I have a butter churner and an abacus for sale.
Nothing in the world is more expensive than a women who’s free for the weekend
Thanks coffee for tricking us into believing that it`s a good morning for a few minutes.
Money can’t buy you happiness? Well, poverty can’t buy you anything.
I can`t wait to get all liquored up, and then go door-to-door to sing some Christmas Carols when it starts to warm up in April...
Happy 4th of July ! ... It`s a holiday. You know what that means... Ten million status updates saying the exact same thing. Get ready.
The best part of being single is that you always get to be right.
The best time to re evaluate your life is when you find your self awake at 3 am reluctantly nodding yes to the questions being asked at the beginning of an infomercial
I love in horror movies how the person yells out "hello?!" as if the killer is gonna say "yeah I´m in the kitchen, want a sandwich?"