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Farts are just the ghosts of the things we eat.
If you really want to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
If you can’t be an athlete, be an athletic supporter.
It’s a strange moment, when you realize that the sound of nature is the sound of millions of animals, birds, and insects desperately trying to get laid.
I wouldn`t be surprised if my kids think the phrase "goddamn douchebag" means someone who pulls out in front of your car without signaling.
My dad`s TV volume is always set at "f*ck the neighbors".
If I have to stir it, it’s homemade.
I`m putting more thought into my Halloween costume than into my job.
Yea...sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
A piñata is NOT a good idea for a Halloween costume.
I self medicate, therefore you live.
Billion dollar idea: Make a prescription drug that gets rid of the side effects of all the other prescription drugs.
Do Me: a favor. - Punctuation is important.
"Estimated Time of Arrival" on the GPS. Challenge accepted!
I`m writing this status very slowly, cause I know you guys can`t read very fast.