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And, yet another day I’ve gone without using calculus.
I wish the "Do not ask me again" option existed in real life.
I love you with all my thighs. I would say my heart, but my thighs are much bigger.
I send more time looking for porn than actually watching it.
There’s no excuse for my behavior, so I’m drinking until I have one.
I`ve single handedly defeated my erection.
My earthquake kit is just a tuxedo, because in case of a disaster, I want to look like the most important person to save.
Ladies, don`t say that men never listen... We can tell you every word of what was said during an NFL pregame or in-game broadcast.
That awkward moment when you imagine your own funeral...
I don’t mind going to work. It’s that eight-hour wait to go home that bugs me.
I like to think outside the quadrilateral parallelogram.
I want to meet the guy whose complaint led to cashiers asking me if it`s okay if they put the receipt in my bag.
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
Nothing`s more embarrassing than that pantsless walk to get more toilet paper. I felt like everyone in CVS was staring at me.
Why do people at home on TV have their pants on?