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No one asks the tough questions, like why are drug dealers on the metric system?
for some reason my plans to workout never work out
Someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
John has 35 candy bars. If John eats 27 of them what does he have? .... Diabetes. John has diabetes.
OMG! I went shopping because I needed a skirt and these earings were on special so I bought four new pairs of shoes!
If you ever feel sad remember that there’s a number you can call and a pizza will be there in 30 minutes.
There was a HUGE spider in the shower.. So I ran into the living room screaming naked.. Now my daughters` friends probably won`t be allowed over anymore..
I read an article the other day that said if you drink every day you are an alcoholic. Thank God I only drink every night.
People are like slinkeys; they don’t really serve a purpose, but you can’t help but laugh when one of them falls down the stairs.
I got in touch with my musculine side today - laying on the couch all day, eating gross food, playing games...
I love sleep because its like a time machine to breakfast.
Sometimes I feel happy, but then the Oreos run out.
We can land a rover on an asteroid, but they can`t make a can of shaving cream that doesn`t spill 1/10th of it`s contents after every use.
Cops are allowed to tell women they have the right to remain silent, but when I do it I wind up with a fork in my leg.
Stop leaving me messages. If I ever wanted to talk to you again, I wouldn’t have borrowed all that money.