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I heard an ex got run down by a bus today. I thought "Wow, that could have been me!" But then, I can`t drive a bus..
Now that football season is here, if anyone`s favorite team loses, they can just blame it on Trump.
I`m more confused than a homeless person on house arrest.
You can be like "This is a slippery slope" or you can be like "Weeeeeeee!"
A picture is worth a thousand words, but it takes up a lot more hard drive space.
I’m drinking like there’s snow tomorrow.
Yeah he`s still bugging me...he thinks Harass is two words.
"This is the ride that killed Jimmy." - me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
Updating my status in the car. Don’t worry, I’m in the passenger seat. Which makes it harder to drive, but fools the cops.
People think that a girl`s dream is to find her perfect guy & be with him forever... That`s Crap! A girl`s dream is to eat without getting fat.
The only reason I keep my land line is for the eventuality that this is The Matrix.
I`m not anti-social I`m just pro leave me the f*ck alone.
Underachieving Sunday through Wednesday, overachieving Thursday through Saturday.
It`s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.