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I`m like the stink in your feet.....I will always be with you.
It’s 2013, why does good food still have calories.
Facebook is serious. I put more thought into whether or not to accept a friend request than whether or not to sleep with someone.
Facebook has suggested that I POKE you.
I love a woman in uniform. I mean naked.
The difference between cheating on your wife and cheating on your taxes is if you tell the truth, the IRS still wants to f*ck you.
No Shirt No Shoes No Service. What about pants?
A lot of times I wonder if people think my girlfriend is only with me for my money.....but I am always reassured by the fact that I don`t have any money..........or a girlfriend....
Lord please give me the strength not to go all Dexter on this mother f%#*er ... Amen
*spits out animal cracker* This doesn`t even taste like hippo.
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee`s you`re buying it off of sure can.
Due to the rising cost of ammunition I will no longer be able to provide a warning shot. Thanks for your understanding.
I use my imagination to solve problems. And by imagination, I mean booze.
Today I caught myself smiling… I was thinking of you… Don’t flatter yourself though, it was because you had a booger in your nose the last time I saw you.
Admit it: you have all tried to rap in the shower..