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If your job title is head receiver, you know you`re doing something right.
Behind every great woman there is a man who loves doggystyle.
A plus side to being my friend is that you can come to my house in your pajamas and I won’t judge you because I too will be in my pajamas.
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I`ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
I’m pretty busy today, so if you could just go ahead and offend yourself for me that would be great. Thanks!
What can I do today that is only going to happen once in a blue moon?
Marriage counselling: Because sometimes your wife needs to hear from a professional that she`s being a bitch.
I hope we`re friends until we die and then I hope we stay ghost friends and walk through walls and scare the sh!t out of people.
I hate when my mom tells people I`m 503 months old.
I`m certain that the reason for Wasps, Hornets, and Yellowjackets was to remind grown men that they can still scream like a little girl.
I just walked by an old man who kept saying, “One, three, five, seven, nine… one, three, five, seven, nine…” I thought, “How odd.”
when humans are in love they get butterflys...dose that mean when butterflys are in love they get humans!! :)
Not sure what my spirit animal is, but I am sure it has rabies
This would be a lot more fun drunk - Me, to everything.
If we meet offline and you look nothing like your photos, you`re buying me drinks until you do.