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I wish the "Do not ask me again" option existed in real life.
There’s too much blood in my caffeine system
I wish relationships were more like cell phone plans - "Free nights and weekends."
"Let`s give the bad guy a ponytail." - 80s movies
Sometimes I meow back at cats.
It`s not working. I`ve napped every day this week at work and not a single raise or promotion. Sleeping my way to the top was a stupid idea.
Good to know that if they ever release a lion in Walmart you only have to run faster than the fat lady with the zebra print pants on.
Pretending to be nice is exhausting...
Abaaabbbbaaabbbaabbbaabb..... Long time no ` C ` ; P
Boobs are like friends. Some are big. Some are small. Some are real. Some are fake. And some are just so fantastic you want everyone to meet them.
I need to get out of bed and do something so I can justify taking a nap later.
popsicle sticks: $1. caramel: $3. onion: $1. watching ur kid bite into a caramel onion thinking its an apple: priceless.
This morning I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering. 98 of them said, "How did you get in here?"
I party until the taxi with the pretty red and blue lights picks me up.
If Santa’s helper takes a picture in the mirror, is that an elfie?