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My New Year`s resolution is to spend more time wishing my enemies were dead.
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it`s Wednesday.
Reasons to get out of bed: Food.
You poor thing. You don`t even realize you`re batsh!t crazy, do you?
My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused food, drinks. He spat and swore at anyone who came near him and started throwing things everywhere. After that we NEVER played monopoly again.
It’s like nobody ever considers the consequences of getting to know me.
Today`s Generation: "Omg my parents never let me have anything." via iPhone
My parents preferred my imaginary friend over me.
The first thing I do when I get a telemarketer call is say "Let`s go off script. What are you wearing?"
One thing horror movies have helped me realize is that as a parent, you definitely want to avoid having demonic children
It`s funny how this guy grating cheese over my pasta thinks I`m going to say stop.
My New Years Resolution for 2015 is to stop being so impatient.
Why do people with bad breath always have to tell me secrets??
I had lunch with a chess player yesterday. It took him 20 minutes to pass the salt.
I don`t know karate, but I do know crazy, and I`m not afraid to use it.