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To all the waiters out there: we don`t get impressed when you try to memorize our orders, we just get nervous.
I have a feeling I already know which direction my "Get rich or die trying" lifestyle is headed.
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
I inject vodka right into the orange. Screwdriver-to-go
You have your whole life to be an a$$hole...are you trying to use it all up in one day?
So, when people say "LOLZ", does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
Why am I not allowed to post anything on here?
I`m awkward when people compliment me. "Nice hair" "Thanks, I grew it myself"
Some days, I practice positive thinking. Other days, I`m not positive I am thinking.
If you were born after 1990, you will never know the frustration of having to rewind your parents porn tapes to the exact same spot...
The lottery gives you a 1 in 20 billion chance you won`t go to work tomorrow. Alcohol gives you 1 in 5. You play your game and I`ll play mine.
I just changed my relationship status from “left hand” to “right hand”…
The real trouble with reality is that there`s no background music.
When I was a kid “The Server Is Down” meant your waiter was depressed.
Who needs Google when you’ve got a wife who knows it all?