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I think the only way I’ll ever be motivated to go to the gym is if I’m in prison.
I once tried sniffing coke, but the ice cubes kept getting stuck up my nose.
New camo condoms! She`ll never see you coming again.
Behind every beautiful song is a person who really shouldn`t sing it out loud in public
I`m home by myself this evening. My wife is out at Kohl`s buying another load of laundry.
If I was a funeral director, I would tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.Then the zombie apocalypse would be hilarious.
I wish I could have the Price Is Right audience around whenever I`m making important life decisions.
This is why my kids dont take me places anymore ... Waitress: “Do u have any questions about the menu?” Me: ” Yes, What kind of font is this?”
I finally found a machine at the gym I like: the vending machine!
You only live once is the most reassuring thing I`ve ever heard.
After four karate lessons, I can now break a two-inch board with my cast
No matter which path you choose, there will always be some asshole in front of you trying to make a left.
Pork is awesome, but it`s best when used as a verb.
Doc: ``Hows your headache ?`` Me: ``She`s at home``
I`m out like a fat kid playing dodge ball..