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Do you guys dance in the shower too? This morning I did the robot! (I short circuited and stared at the wall for 40 minutes, broken)
My mom at night: Good night, sweet dreams I love you. My mom in the morning: Wake the f*ck up you lazy piece of sh!t.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
Some days, the supply of available curse words is insufficient to meet my demands!
Why do guys go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. There`s like 10 women to each man and they`re already there looking for things they don`t need.
I don`t really work, I just kinda stand around and be awesome.
I`m first world poor. That means I have a smart phone and laptop that I use to go online and see that I have no money in my bank account.
There`s a reason why natural disasters have female names.
That moment when I try and be helpful to a blind man getting off the bus by saying, "watch your step"
They say 1 in 3 people cheat in a relationship. I`m not sure if its my wife or my girlfriend.
When life throws you curveballs, swing at those motherf*ckers like Stevie Wonder with a lightsaber.
By the time I’ve said “Nice to meet you” I’ve already forgotten your name.
You never know what you have until you clean your room.
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish ... I`m not even high.
The only people without problems are in the cemetery.