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Easy baked macaroni and cheese recipe: Boil macaroni in water.... follow the rest of the instructions on box. TADA!
If you bend over and place your ear next to a girls vagina , you can clearly hear her say "WTF are you Doing!"
Saw a girl with three lip piercings, took everything in my power not to attach a shower curtain
Told my kids next time I take their electronics away I`d also be responding to all texts they receive. They`ve been well behaved since.
Not sure why my wife is only mad at me, our 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
Relax, we`re all crazy. It`s not a competition.
When I hear someone say, "chicken pot pie," I get excited three times.
Married sext: I`m not wearing any underwear, because you never put the f*cking laundry in the dryer like I asked you to 100 times
I don`t plan anything as well as I plan which alcoholic beverage I`m going to consume once I leave work.
That awkward moment when you’re yelling at someone and you mess up a word.
All men approve of premarital sex......until they have a daughter.
I wish I had the balls to be a juggler.
They say laughter is the best medicine... found out that`s not true for treating diarrhea.
When you think about how big the Earth is, then how small it is compared to the Sun, and how the Sun is just a speck of dust in the universe, it`s easy to justify eating an entire chocolate cake.
Showed the kids here how to eat corn-on-the-cob typewriter style........ Now explaining typewriter.