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For those of you wondering what it`s like to be married, I`m on day 3 of an argument I didn`t know I was having.
"We have smaller, secret pants that we wear under our normal pants..." - me explaining underwear to aliens.
I got a letter from my crush on Valentine`s Day. Well, technically it`s a restraining order but still....
The only thing creepier than seeing a guy in a Speedo is seeing a guy in a Speedo staring back at you
Maybe Mondays are not that bad. Maybe its your job that sucks balls.
Everytime I find the key to happiness, somebody changes the lock.
Let`s all have a moment of silence for people who can`t have a moment of silence because they have kids.
In Starbucks a customer went sh*t house rat crazy when they got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot they ordered ... I`m fine now.
You can always count on me to feel you up when you`re feeling down
Do you think we like to sing in the shower because we all love a good soap opera?
It`s not hotter this year. It`s just that you are fatter and there is more surface area for the sun to hit.
Yes, it`s a bad time. Let me call you back when I`m not feeling so honest.
I have a "honk if you think I`m sexy" bumper sticker on my truck so that way on the way to work, if I`m not feeling to excited to be there, I sit at a green light until I feel better.
Despite its name, Gatorade is pretty much fatal to alligators. Iām not allowed to volunteer at the zoo anymore.
My entire working knowledge of automotive repair is derived from the song "The Wheels on the Bus"