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I just called. To say. I texted you.
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for "hardcore poem"?
Girls must buy $500 purses just to impress other girls. No guy has ever said "Bro, she was ugly...but that purse...
There`s an emoji for eggplants but not for popcorn and this is why trusting people isn`t just hard, it`s impossible.
Don`t be sad laundry, nobody`s doing me either.
"I`m only having one" ...said by many, practiced by none.
Although the voices aren`t real, they have some pretty good ideas.
Facebook needs a "slap a b!tch button"
I`ve been around the block a few times, but then my neighbor realized I was drunk and helped me into my house.
There are a lot of side effects to smoking weed. Like never shutting up about the fact that you smoke weed.
I wish more events in life involved dumping a cooler full of Gatorade on people.
I was called sexist today. So..i said i think ur mistaken...its pronounced sexy! LOL
The Best Excuse given by a Lady for Missing Work ! "My husband took an overdose of Viagra.....Couldn`t leave him alone with the Maid"
I use sarcasm because flat out telling you you’re a moron is considered inappropriate and is frowned upon. And I was raised better than that.