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Don`t rush me, I`m waiting until the last minute.
Arguing with a woman is like buying a lottery ticket, you`re proably not gonna win, but you`re sure as hell gonna try!
Best thing about being single… -no drama -no fighting -no crying -no feelings -no confusion -no worries -no PROBLEMS!
Every time i see a person kneeling over tying their shoe, i run up behind them and hop over them to try and get a game of leapfrog going.
What flavor is this Harlem Shake you speak of?
Married 24 years now. All I recall about my wedding day is something about death.
my cross-eyed girlfriend left me today. She was seeing someone else.
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
As an adult, I’m not eating nearly as much ice cream as 10 year old me thought I would.
When a man says he`ll do anything for a woman, he means slaying dragons, killing zombies and rescuing her from castle towers. IT DOES NOT MEAN cleaning garage, fixing roof and cleaning out the basement!
How many Oreos is too many?...Is it 25?...I feel like it should be more than 25
A day without sunshine is like, you know... night
This status update is a test. It is only a test. Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror and you would not have been notified.
I went frisbee golfing today. I didn`t get an ace, but I did hit a guy and that was just as satisfying.