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Sorry I stopped listening to your story when it wasn’t about me
Tip: When you’re not famous, people don’t let you pay for things with an autographed napkin.
“If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my best” literally translates to “I’m a loud, sloppy drunk.”
I made Creme Brulee today. More food should require the use of a blow torch.
Can`t wait `til I`m old enough to pretend I can`t hear.
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel. OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel. REALIST: A train. TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
Better ingredients. Better pizza. Horrible acting. Papa Johns.
Judge me if you will, just keep the verdict to yourself.
Just told my dog "Don`t walk in your own poop" and it strikes me as good advice to pass on to the rest of you as well. Please: don`t.
I put my head between my legs and lean forward.....thats how I roll
If A-B-C-D didn’t drag out their part of the Alphabet song, LMNOP wouldn’t have to be so rushed.
Just so you know, I am already planning on being an a$$hole tomorrow.
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.
Here’s a joke for all you mind readers out there…