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I only say “bless you” twice. If you sneeze a third time I assume you cant be blessed and you’re a demon who must be destroyed.
I really need a day between Saturday and Sunday.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it`s a good thing I never had kids. Or did I?
Miley Cyrus could never live in the kind of cold we`re having here. Can you imagine all the poles her tounge would get stuck to?
Good news: I can still do a full split! Bad news: It wasn`t on purpose!
I can already tell it`s going to be another one of those mornings where I`m not rich and famous.
Nothing changes a Facebook relationship status faster than a weekend full of tagged photos!
The weekend is just a bittersweet memory.... I won`t cry because it`s over, I`ll smile because for a few miles they believed I was the real bus driver.
Imagine being naked in a room full of people who speak a different language and everyone wants to touch you. That is the life of a dog.
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it`s the scientists that aren`t washing their hands?
Fire at will! Oh, it`s you, Bob! Fire at Bob!"
People are making Rapture jokes like there`s no tomorrow.....
Worried that you may have a stalker? Shut up and just be happy someone likes you.
When things get to stressful I hit the jim.......... Beam.
Why get married when you can just drive into oncoming traffic?