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PRINCIPAL: are you the new english teacher? TEACHER: yes i are.
when life gives you lemons; ask for tequila and salt
Spicy food is like BDSM for your mouth
Tomorrow, I`m going to open up the time capsule I buried when I was a kid. I can`t wait to see how big my puppy got!
He is proud of himself. He finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said 2-4 years.
Dating a woman in 5 easy steps: 1. Be attentive 2. Don`t be too attentive 3. Show interest 4. Don`t show too much interest 5. Seek therapy
I am the undefeated champion of this”smooshing-down-the-garbage-so-I-don’t-have-to-take-it-out-for-another-day” game.
Three guys walk into a bar. Two ended up with a concussion, the other needed 4 stitches.
You can always make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
When I`m older, I`m going to buy one of those Volkswagen Bugs. Only because I have a excuse to hit my wife every time we go somewhere.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
No one ever reads the rules of Monopoly unless an argument breaks out.
Did you know? If you were to watch all of the Saw films, it would take you 666 minutes?
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How sh!tty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
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