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You say `pervert with a telescope` ... I say `biological astronomer`.
I just had a conversation with my-self...but it just turned into an argument. I think it`s that time of the month...
Taking shots of Tequila is just another way of saying, "I like where I wake up to always be a surprise."
When people say they did something "like a boss" I just picture them doing it fatter and with less hair
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn`t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
Let me drink about it and get back to you.
Like medicine, some people should only be allowed to talk in doses. Like 30 sentences three times a day.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I`m alone I will look at them shocked and just quietly whisper.... "You can see me?"
If you think human beings have evolved a lot. Look at how much Egyptians worshiped cats. Then go look at Facebook for about 10 minutes.
If I`ve learned anything from the Kardashians it`s that I shouldn`t let my complete lack of talent hold me back.
Serious question: Are doctors sure erectile dysfunction isn`t just a side effect of being married & bangin the same woman for years & years?
I swear on this f*cking chicken I will never swear again. Oops.
The roof of the McDonalds in my town has 38 Pickle slices on it from times I ordered sh!t without pickles in it.
You can not force anyone to love you ... The best you can do is stalk them and hope they give in :)
Sorry I said "nice phone" when you showed me a photo of your baby.