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You all take typos way too serious, you gays.
I don’t like people who can’t make fun of themselves. It just makes more work for me.
Warning!! Today I will be coloring OUTSIDE the lines..
My Hamster passed today, he fell asleep at the wheel.
Subway is the only place I can walk in and ask for a 12 inch Italian and not feel like a slut.
I`m not judging you, I`m just trying to guess what medications you`re on.
"I`d hit that!" -Helpful blackjack dealer
Worrying is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but doesn’t get you anywhere.
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
The secret of enjoying a good wine: 1) Open the bottle to allow it to breathe. 2) if it does not look like it`s breathing give it mouth-to_mouth
These Jehovah`s Witnesses are getting creative. They are now knocking on my door dressed as cops saying they have a warrant.
Earlier this morning, I was invited to join an XXX Facebook group. I was somewhat intrigued until I realized it was a group for guys who like to wear really really big shirts.
Good mothers let you lick the beaters when they`re making a cake. Great mothers turn the mixer off first.
When I am working, I get paid to be nice. I don`t understand why my friends and family expect me to do it for free during my time off.
I spend my weekends farting in libraries and then shushing people that complain.