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Dating: the process of hiding your crazy just long enough to get the other person to commit.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
A bee will knowingly risk its own life just to cause you a little pain. I can totally relate to that feeling.
Snakes are terrifying because they can`t trip and fall over sh!t. No creature should possess such power.
Sluts are just hookers with no grasp of economics.
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
My internet went down. By which I mean my neighbors changed their password.
Coffee is just a hug for your insides.
Somehow I`m not nearly as overjoyed with this vegetable slicer as the woman on the infomercial was.
I ran into a dwarfs car this morning and he come up to me and said "I`m not happy!" And I said we`ll which one are you then
"It`s not you, it`s me." -Twins looking at some family photos
Never take a Chess enthusiast to a restaurant with checkered tablecloths!……It’ll take them an hour to pass the salt!
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule
Hey, people who don`t drive *exactly* like I do. Get off the road!
I wonder what the inventor of the drawing board said when his first design didn’t work out.