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My wife said we should try some role reversal in bed last night. So I said I had a headache.
My poor neighbour suffered a stroke today...I must remember to close the blinds before getting naked.
So what if Jesus turned water into wine... I turned a whole student loan into beer once. your move Jesus.
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
Whenever I start to hate my job I think about the camera crew who has to follow the Kardashian’s 24/7.
I don`t see the point of sex if the neighbours don`t hear it.
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
Christmas spirit? I`m proud to say I`ve got plenty of that. I`ve got rum, whiskey, gin, brandy, vodka and tequila.
Sometimes I watch sports holding an xbox controller just to screw with my girlfriend`s head...
I was enjoying our conversation. Until you started talking....
Thought I was having deja-vu. But it turns out, I do the exact same things every day.
I just saw a disclaimer that said "don`t try this at home", so I tried it at my neighbors house.
Just think, there is an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: "Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?"
I imagine some people are like...: `should I take the shower?...no...I`m taking the train today...`
Was hating my job until I drove past a grown man dressed as a Taco on the side of the road. Thanks again Perspective