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Redneck word of the day: Twerk "Imma have one more beer then imma get back twerk!"
I´m pretty sure I had a good time last night. Let me finish reading the police report and I´ll let you know.
If you want your wife or girlfriend to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Dear life, I`ve had enough bullsh!t to last a while. Can we take a little break please.
“Nevermind.” Translation... You should’ve listened the first time.
Face down, a$$ up ... that`s the way I tie my shoes.
Goodnight, good people - and nite nite to the naughty ones too!
You always remember your first Crush. Mine was Orange.
If the shoe fits . . . buy one in every color
Are there actually people who get out of the shower to pee? I want to meet them.
Girlfriend: No, you hang up... Me: (click)
I know it’s rain but I hate when my coworker tell me how many inches they got last night.
Beautiful people are more beautiful when surrounded by ugly people
Half a dozen: because “six” is way to long.
Filling out a job application. Under "Military Experience" I put that I once went commando for 4 days in a row.