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A recent survey revealed that 4 out of 5 women think I`m an a-hole...
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, "Guess how many fingers."
I pack an hour before leaving for a trip but unpacks 3 months after coming home
Boobs: because you can`t suck on a girls personality
There´s a thin line between "I should do a status update about that" and "I should talk to a therapist about that"
Swag is for boys. Class is for men.
Some marriages end up fine, the others last forever.
I always close my eyes when I kiss a woman. Experience tells me that if my eyes are open, I get a lot more pepper spray in them.
I don’t repeat gossip, so listen carefully
Meanwhile on Facebook, someone has made a casserole...
Stages of Drunk: 1. Wow. I can dance. 2. All hats look GOOD on me. 3. Shhh. Don`t wake up the cows.
I will pay good money to anyone who can take me from work, make it look like an abduction and tuck me back into bed.
It`s as if none of these people have ever seen a beer hat at the gym before.
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn`t around and you couldn`t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
When I die, I’d like someone to keep updating my Facebook status, just to freak people out… “Hey, who knew they had Wi-Fi up here?”