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My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy...so I came back drunk.
I`m like a kid in a candy store. I can`t afford anything.
The phrase, “Don’t take this the wrong way” has a zero percent success rate.
I`m just going to put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day.
sorry but your password must contain an "uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin"
No need to thank me for accepting your friend request. We`ll both regret it soon enough.
I need to stop making things more complicated than they need to be. I`m adding that to my bucket Power Point presentation.
If I’ve learned anything from Game of Thrones it’s that I need a wolf.
My doctor wrote me a prescription for dailysex but my girlfriend insists it says dyslexia.
Guy advice #221: Starting a load of laundry in the washing machine and then starting a load in the dryer counts as `2 loads` - just sayin`!
Know what this salad needs? A Big Mac.
I wish tanning beds could pop you out like a toaster when you`re finished.
Thanksgiving is a great time to test the boundaries of how drunk you can get before your family members notice.
If he only wants you for your breasts, legs, and thighs; Send him to KFC by SIMO
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.