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Gas prices are a lot like girls: We just wish they would go down.
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
"Oh wow, it`s a fruit cake! I`m going to eat some of it right now" ...said no one ever.
Ziploc`s idea of how big a sandwich should be is very different from mine.
How do people dumb enough to buy $500 sunglasses make enough money to buy $500 sunglasses?
Yes Officer, I carry a knife, but that`s just in case I find a cake.
I`m fat, but I blame my dog for not exercising me enough.
My wife keeps leaving magazines lying around with the jewelry ads circled. I got the hint. For Valentine`s Day she’s getting a magazine rack
WOULD YOU RATHER: have six arms or giant antlers? (You don’t really get a choice; the surgeons were just sort of curious.)
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
The problem with rich people is I`m not one of them.
I bet heroin addicts can open a Capri sun on the first try.
I`ve totally cut carbs out of my diet. Until lunch.
If it makes you feel better, don’t call it “Premature Ejaculation.” Call it “Speed Dating”
ever wonder if one day somebody will come knocking on your door and say “Hey we have 7 mutual friends on Facebook, can I come in?"