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Just found some old sex coupons I got from an ex for my b-day. Any of you ladies take competitor`s coupons?
Maybe early risers just aren’t as awesome at sleeping as I am.
If I could go back in time I would put cheese on a lot more things.
When I want to trim down my friend`s Facebook list I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they`re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I`m 73.
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words "gruesome discovery" coming from your TV on the morning news.
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those? -Me, at Home Depot
Marriage counseling - because sometimes your spouse needs to hear from a professional that they are being an a$$
If your dog is fat, you’re not getting enough exercise.
Nice try salad bars, there`s only one kinda bar I plan on attending.
How do you start a rave in Ethiopia? Glue a piece of toast to the ceiling
If I was on drugs, this post would be amazing.
Breaking News: Viagra shippment stolen... Cops are looking for a gang of hardened criminals.