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The toughest part of a job interview is finding the exact right moment to go in for the kiss.
I`ve reached that time of day between "coffee wearing off" and "murdering my co-worker."
Updating my status in the car. Don’t worry, I’m in the passenger seat. Which makes it harder to drive, but fools the cops.
Last year I won a $50 gift card to Chili`s at a Christmas raffle. ...... This year I`ve decided my Secret Santa gift is going to be a $14.37 gift card to Chili`s.
I don’t even know what I don’t know.
Just when I think my confidence couldn`t be shakier, some shitty website tells me I have a "Weak Password"
Today`s Horoscope: You`re gullible
If you feel bad because you didn’t do well on a final, just remember someone from your hometown is still trying to become a rapper.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be a Pilot...but apparently I was too young.
I was asked what I would give the woman who has everything... Well, my phone number for a start.
I saw Tom Hanks and asked for his autograph. He abbreviated it, and it just said "Thanks"
Forecast for tonight: Alcohol, low standards, and poor decisions.
I always scratch off the "Plus One" option on wedding invitations are replace it with "Drinking for two"
I need to find a woman that loves me for my money....but doesn`t understand math. (<>..,<>)
I`m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.