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Let`s sleep in until it`s time to go to bed again
Dumped my multiple personality girlfriend yesterday. She took it well, not so well, and she was really upset...
I’m just a man standing in front of a woman, who is standing in front of another man who is in front of another woman in line at Taco Bell.
I just got kicked out of the Zoo! How was I supposed to know that real hippos don`t actually eat marbles?
I can`t believe I was late for work tomorrow..
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I`m looking for the thumbs-down button.
Apparently, when asked "In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?" "F**kin` large ones" is not the correct answer.
I would like to be a Disney Princess...You know, where I have random animals showing up to help with the housework!
Time is precious ... waste it wisely!
Scared some Jehovah`s Witnesses today by going to the door completely naked. I`m not sure what scared them more, me being totally naked or the fact that I knew where they lived.
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs aren`t happy.
How did anybody express anger before the invention of the caps lock key?
If they made a movie of my life, it would just be a lot of scenes where I`m looking for something to wipe my hands on.
Most of life is waiting for whatever you`re at to be over.
I don’t care if it’s 1 A.M. I don’t consider it “tomorrow” until I wake up.