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Every time i see a person kneeling over tying their shoe, i run up behind them and hop over them to try and get a game of leapfrog going.
Just once when they interview a serial killer’s neighbor I’d like to hear them say “Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me, he was a real Weirdo”
Is a rivalry between two vegetarians still called a beef?
Dear Santa, I would like a thin body and a fat bank account. Don’t mix it up this year!
My doctor prescribed me xanax instead of birth control pills I asked for. Now I have 9 kids, but I don`t care.
I’m right 97% of the time…who cares about the other 4%.
I always try to behave on Friday nights but there are usually too many other options.
One advantage of growing old is you don`t have to worry about hackers stealing your nude pics out of the cloud.
Just think of how different the world would be if Noah had eaten those two chickens.
Don`t put off for tomorrow what you can do today, because if you enjoy it today you can do it again tomorrow.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
Don`t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza....
Porn teaches kids an unhealthy and unrealistic idea of how quickly a plumber will come to your house.
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V "Tuesday"
Just remember, outside of that beautiful slim bride on her wedding day there’s a fat woman just waiting to get in.