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If you figure me out I want an explanation.
I like the part of the day where we eat the food.
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know, and I don’t care.
If a cannibal is late to dinner do they give him the cold shoulder?
No, I’m not funny. I’m just really mean and everyone thinks I’m joking.
Dear Gangsta: If you pulled up your pants a little you could run from the cops faster.
There could be literally thousands of chameleons in your house right now and you don`t even know it.
I WON THE LOTTERY, SCREW YOU ALL! ... Sorry, just practicing
Never trust a married guys opinion of who’s hot. It’s like asking a starving guy what food tastes good.
Candy Crushers keep inboxing me saying that they need "lives" as if I didn`t already know that.
Life gets expensive when you trust a woman that`s cute.
This is the only way I know how to correctly use a semi-colon ;)
Reverse cowgirl. Perfect for when you`re horny, but can`t stand to look at each other !
Write me your opinions on this extra soft paper and leave it next to my toilet.
"Oh my god, you`ve gotten so fat! Want me to make you something to eat?" - my mom