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Based on the sound of her walking.. My upstairs neighbor seems like the kind of woman that starts sentences with; "Fee-Fi-Fo-Fum.".. O_o
My email notification is a cricket sound that drives the wife crazy looking for the cricket. Winning!
My Doctor says I`m a serious alcoholic, but I think I`m more of a funny alcoholic.
Whoever said technology will replace paper has obviously never tried to wipe their butt with an iPad.
I have been left unsupervised yet again. This usually leads to trouble & other bad things, please have bail money ready and keep your phone on.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
If your lawyer has a ponytail, you`re going to jail
Why do guys go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. There`s like 10 women to each man and they`re already there looking for things they don`t need.
Moms birthday is next week. I can’t find a card that says “I wish you loved me more than vodka.”
Don`t be sad, laundry. Nobody is doing me either.
If you`re behind someone at an ATM at night, let them know you`re not a threat by gently kissing their neck.
As I slowly ran my finger down her G string I thought to myself, this is a nice guitar.
If stress burned calories, I’d be a super model.
I`m convinced girls only want one thing from guys... all of our hoodies. -Bfanch
I`m trying to give up sexual innuendos. But it`s hard........so hard......