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I just saw a hot mom at McDonalds spank her kid after he threw his fries on the ground, so I threw my fries on the ground too.
Note To Self: Even if someone really needs it, strangling them is still illegal.
Scratching off a lotto ticket before you leave the store is a good way of letting people know that your life isn`t going according to plan.
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there`s a cop hiding in the bushes
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
Test drove a Jaguar today. Very fast but the ride was pretty bumpy and the saddle kept falling off. I also think he tried to bite me.
MAN LAW 101: No man should ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man.
Say what you will about women but I think being able to turn one sentence into a six hour argument takes talent.
Finding friends with the same mental disorder as you ... Priceless
One day, people are gonna write songs about the nap I`m about to take.
We`re up to Fast n Furious #6. Shouldn`t they just create a weekly TV series?
If a woman tells you that you’re right, that’s called sarcasm.
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there`s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
Internet Dating......The Odds are good but the Goods are odd
Be nice to your kids. They get to choose your nursing home.