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Bologna sandwiches are parents way of saying... it`s my legal obligation to feed you something.
Violently swerving your car will not throw a spider off the window. Doesn`t work like it does with humans. Just in case you need to know.
My girlfriend is half my size but takes up three quarters of the bed. If my math is correct, she’s a b!tch
I used to be in a band called ‘Missing Cat’. You probably saw our posters on poles.
Instead of exes, they should be called whys.
“Until death do us part” means we’re all single in heaven, right?
Ferris Bueller did more in one day than I did last year.
I wouldn`t want lesbian parents. Not because I`m homophobic. I just don`t want to get stuck in an endless loop of "Go ask your mother."
My wife is pissed at me again...appearently I am breathing wrong.
is wondering why Facebook bothers to give the option of "liking" my own comment? Of course I like my own comments. I´m awesome..
"Just Be yourself" is something I rarely hear from people who know me well.
I`m surprised kids haven`t found a way to trick or treat online yet
Don`t be sad if you didn`t get a Valentine`s Day gift, lt`s not the end of the world. That`s still ten months away.
I may be stupid but im also dumb! :D
If you can`t say something nice about someone, you probably know the same people I do.