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I don`t ever know where I`m at till I`m there
I saw a guy today at Starbucks. He had no smartphone, tablet or laptop. He just sat there drinking his coffee. Like a psychopath.
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don`t have great childing skills either.
For the first time in my years of working I have been hard at work all day......dammm those pills!!!!
Yes, I realize I’m leaving early. But don’t forget, I also came in late.
OMG! A CUSTOMER ALMOST DIED IN FRONT OF ME TODAY!! But then I counted to 10 and put the scissors back in the drawer. She never even knew.
Junk food would be a lot easier to avoid if it actually tasted like junk.
When I`m on my death bed, I want my last words to be...."I left 10 million dollars in the..........."
"I wanna f*ck you so hard right now." "What?!?" "Damn autocorrect, I meant hey."
Whenever I get a message that begins with “Hey Stranger” I know I’m about to be asked for a favor by someone I don’t want to help.
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it`s fun to push things down the stairs.
Think about how much more stressful life’s most stressful moments would be if accompanied by the running-out-of-time music in Mario Bros.
I`m so hungry I could eat without looking down at my phone.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
You care so much about me? Keep that sh*t to yourself i got my demons under control