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If I won the lottery, I could make a whole lotta people miserable
one of the Olsen twins got married earlier today! when the fiance was asked "which one???" he replied "who cares???"
Look UPS guy, you can`t just show up at someone`s house unannounced and expect them to have pants on.
I need to unbutton my pants just thinking about how much I’m going to eat this week.
Lots of us suffer in silence. You should try it.
Do whatever you want. And if it’s something you’re going to regret in the morning…sleep late.
In light of recent events, I have no choice but to deduct a full star from my Yelp review of Earth.
We can only blame ourselves for all the crime and violence today, we removed all the phone booths and now Superman has nowhere to change...
The only thing that makes me happy about the launch of a new model cell phone is that I can finally afford the previous model.
I plucked my first gray hair today ... Man, that lady was upset.
Gambling addiction hotlines would do so much better if every fifth caller was a winner.
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth`s rotation, we were all speeding.
I`d get lost less frequently if GPS would say "no, your other left."
If it lasts 4 hours I`m not only callin a Dr, I`m callin everybody!!
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.