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I end a sentence with "just sayin" because ending it with "dumbass" would be offensive.
I`m surprised more killers haven`t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard. My second thought is virgin wizard.
To stupidity ... And beyond!!
My bank is the worst. They`re charging me money for not having enough money in my account. Apparently, I can`t even afford to be broke.
Mirrors don’t lie. And, lucky for me, they don’t laugh either.
Uhm, excuse me waiter... I`d like to return my food. It only received 5 likes on Instagram.
The longer I`m left unattended in the Drs office the more tongue depressors I can lick and put back in the jar..... Just sayin
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces. For example: I am going to the liquor store and I`m scared that it`s closed.
I get a lot of “You must work out!!!” I just wish it wasn’t from doctors. :(
Trying to untwist a twizzler is a real b*tch and this gas station cashier yelling at me isn`t helping.
Between the coffee and the cocaine, it looks like the mission of Colombia is to wake up the world.
I`m motivated by a need to leave something meaningful in the world & a profound desire to shove it in the face of anyone who`s rejected me.
The best way to hang up on someone is to do it in the middle of your own sentence, that way they will just think you lost service.
The wifes exhausted as she`s had some hot steamy action lately, But at least the ironing basket is empty