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Attention!! Today I am traveling back in time to right some wrongs in this world. You will know I succeeded if the Germans lost WW2 and that Thursday comes before Wednesday.
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn`t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
I dream of a better world where chickens can cross the road and not have their motives questioned.
Immature >>> A word boring people use to describe fun people..
It`s not the torch she carries for me that has me worried, it`s the gas can in her other hand.
Auctioneers are proof white guys could rap if they tried hard enough.
there`s only 2 things in life you have control in changing that is your attitude and a kids diaper.. which at times both can be the equivalent of the other..
Daylight Savings makes us lose an hour... It’s kind of like Facebook.
Jogging backwards because I`m trying to gain a little weight
Bowling is my favorite sport because you don`t have to run and there`s beer five feet away.
Ahh, Spring. When the days get longer and the dresses get shorter!!
I think I`m funny - but looks aren`t everything
My favorite thing to say to old people is, "When I was your age I didn`t believe in reincarnation either".
When I was younger my dad showed me pictures of why to wear condoms during sex. The funny thing is, they were all pictures of me.
If you want to take a bank teller out on a date, just ask her. Don`t slip her a note at the window. Trust me on this.