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I know a lot of women who should substitute their lipstick with glue sticks.
Girls are like guitars: easy to strum, hard to tune
Unless its inappropriately, don`t f*cking touch me.
Ah man... i don`t have any notifications... better go check another computer
I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of planes.
My kids keep bugging me about dinner, even after I keep telling them I already ate.
I`m dreaming of a white Christmas. But if the white runs out I`ll pop open the red and drink that.
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement. -Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90`s TV
I have no idea what a bejeezus is,,, but apparently mine scares easy.
When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn`t doing the same thing.
Sometimes I sit and wonder what the world would be like if I wasn`t awesome ... That would be scary.
"Iowa man arrested after fight over peanut butter and jelly sandwiches" - I`m just gonna assume this is 1 of you guys
"Don`t cry because its over, smile because his new girlfriend looks like a horse."
How many servings of fruit are in a fruit roll up? I`m trying to take my diet seriously now.
I like to finish other people`s sentences because my version is better.