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Statistically, 132% of all people exaggerate.
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they`re talking?
My girlfriend said we can`t hang out this weekend because she doesn`t really exist.
I`m trying to live healthier......but I`m considering taking up cigars, since they`re still the coolest way to light dynamite fuses.
The only problem with using the treadmill is that you can`t run from your own farts.
if your happy and you know it ---thank your ex
I wish I could write `` I Miss You `` on a rock and throw it at your face, so you can know how much it HURTS to miss you
The problem with plants is that you have to water them… like more than once apparently.
I’m not stealing my neighbor’s WiFi…their WiFi is trespassing into my house.
Swearing releases stress and that`s just one of the f*cking reasons I do it.
I just saw a poster that said, "Have you seen this man?" with a number to call ... So I called the number and told them, "no."
Had a super busy day today converting oxygen into carbon dioxide.
I think that work and microwave minutes are longer than regular minutes.
You can`t control who comes into your life. But you can control which window you throw them out of.
If you see a guy with no arms and your first thought is “My God how does he drink his beer??”, You might be an alcoholic.