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Why do baby clothes have pockets?
When exactly are they going to make Xanax fit my Pez Dispenser?
Worries about the economy grow again after the world`s biggest yacht-selling company announce a drop in sails
This is a test of the emergency broadcast system. Were this to be an actual emergency you’d be screwed, because no one takes this seriously.
Dogs lick each other`s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
Someone asked me how much love was worth and I couldn’t answer because alimony is calculated differently in each state.
I don`t care how old I am, if I go out to eat and there are crayons and paper place mats with puzzles...GAME ON!!
Wind chimes? I can`t see myself saying, its too quiet, you know what`d be nice? Noise.
I don`t trust stairs. They always look like they`re up to something.
Mac & Cheese doesn`t contain many vitamins, so it`s important you always eat a bunch of it.
Sorry I missed your call. I took too long to answer because I was dancing to the ringtone.
Pro tip: Go the the gym on one of those 1 day free passes, take 365 selfies then post one every day.
My dance moves are somewhere between “dog being shocked by an electric fence” and “squirrel crossing the road.”
Facebook ~ redefining "friendship" one booby pic at a time. ;)
You must be a parking ticket or something for the word FINE is written all over you.