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I was visited by three spirits last night, Vodka, Rum And Gin. . .
What`s the right age to stop running naked from the bedroom to the bathroom?
Guuuyyyysssss, never ever play leapfrog with a unicorn.... Its not worth it.....
I don´t like people who can´t make fun of themselves. It just makes more work for me.
You know what makes sex awesome? Actually having it.
I stopped going to AA because all of their stories were about how they hit rock bottom by waking up next to me.
I hate taking down Christmas decorations just to put up Halloween decorations...
One of the things I like to say to a girl after we have sex for the first time is "Hmm, damn weird... I heard you were better."
I hope when the machines take over the world they start by fixing my cable.
When you are dead, you don’t know you are dead but other people do. The same applies when you are stupid.
I can’t afford Disney World so we go to the biggest hill on my street and my kids wait an hour before I roll them down in my office chair.
NASCAR pit crews are always retiring. Let it sink in: now laugh
tell your boobs to stop staring at my eyes
Ok a$$hole, just go around me. I`m already doing 30 over the limit, I`m not speeding up. Stupid car with your stupid flashing lights
Who was the greatest prostitute in history? Ms. Pacman, for 25 cents that b*tch swallowed balls till she died.