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If you`re wondering about my cooking skills, I`ve been asked to bring paper towels to our family gathering.
I put on my pants like everyone else. Right after the security guard in Target says "Sir, we`re going to have to ask you to leave."
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night ... From the dryer
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
Anyone that says I`m a lover not a fighter has clearly never been in a relationship over 6 months
I love bacon because I can wrap it around everything. Essentially, it`s the duct tape of food.
Pinatas are a great way to teach children that if you repeatedly beat something with a stick, eventually you`ll get what you want.
So many people are making history right now. but me, I`m deleting history from my browser.
The best person to get thrown in jail with would have to be the Kool-Aid Man.
It’s not weird to talk to yourself, it’s just weird when someone else hears you talking to yourself.
Part of me wants to help you with your crisis, but part of me wants to go to happy hour.
Ohio - High in the middle, and round at the ends.
God: Is there anything else you need Adam? Adam: yes I want a Sandwich! God: Ok let`s create eve.
Ladies: If he’s right handed, and you find the mouse to the left of the computer monitor, there is only one explanation. Sorry Guys.
They say children are a gift from god. I`m totally wide-open to regifting.