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Its weird that goldfish will eat other goldfish but wont eat goldfish crackers. Life sure is complicated sometimes.
Talking louder does not make you any less wrong.
It`s like my golf instructor thinks I`m mature enough to handle him talking about balls, and how to properly grip the club.
The next person I hear say “I love fall” is getting choked out with a scarf soaked in pumpkin spice latte.
Sometimes I order fajitas at a restaurant just to get more attention.
I don’t know how Godzilla doesn’t hurt himself. I once had to go to the emergency room after stepping on a Lego piece.
Relationships are like yard sales. They look good from a distance, but once you get there it`s just a bunch of sh!t you don`t really need.
Facebook should just change it`s name to "People You May Want to Avoid."
I`ve just been hit in the head with a werthers, and I thought........... That`s original!!!
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who really do.
Immature is just a word boring people use to describe fun people.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Four words that I never want to hear: There is no food
I stopped watching the History Channel because it`s so outdated.
100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses. The stables have turned.