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A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
Change of plans everyone: NOBODY Wang Chung tonight.
If you ever Google "Grandfather Clock", be careful how you spell that sh!t.
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I`m less and less related to some of my relatives.
Dang I didn`t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
I am looking at this online special deal at Disneyworld and thinking no, my kids can annoy me just fine right here at home.
I retired from being my brothers keeper when I realised that I was letting in goals that wouldn`t have scored if his post was empty
Never trust a married guys opinion of who`s hot. It`s like asking a starving guy what food tastes good.
A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.
I`m not crazy, I`m just special!!...No, wait...Maybe I am crazy. One second...I have to talk to myself about this, hold on...
Just bought two donuts without sprinkles...Diets are hard!
Plug your headphones into a banana. Everyone will leave you alone twice as much.
I feel pretty confident that if anyone ever steals my identity, they will inevitably improve my credit score…
Being single is the worst sh!t ever. Being in a relationship is a close second.
I party until the taxi with the pretty red and blue lights picks me up.