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Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right? Eve: Uh yeah, totally
I`ve set my "life goals" to stuff I`ve already done so literally every day now I`m overachieving. It`s all about perspective.
The only thing wrong with eary mornings is being awake.
Men use love to get sex...women use sex to get love...I use coupons to get pizza!
My taste in music ranges from, "You need to listen to this" to "I know, please don`t judge me."
FYI: Real hippos at the zoo don’t eat marbles. They should post a sign or something.
I wonder how often I’ve narrowly avoided death without even noticing.
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would`ve been if he`d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
Always keep a bottle of wine in the fridge for special occasions. You know…like Thursday.
FACT: There’s always room for another cupcake.
I mean, I don`t even call it a hangover anymore. It`s just morning.
The corner of my bathtub is also referred to as "The Shampoo Bottle Graveyard"
I was driving thru Farmville and I had to pee ... so I pulled over and fertilized your crops
My girlfriend wanted me to come shopping, but I had a headache... I must have caught it from her last night when we didn`t have sex.
Just bought a car with the money from my swear jar.