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Dear Noah, we could have sworn you said the arc wasn`t leaving until 5. Sincerely, unicorns.
It`s crazy that your brain can calculate where to put your hand to catch a 98 mph fastball... But won`t keep your mouth shut when a woman is angry
You can tell yourself that Sesame Street is educational but Cookie Monster has lived there for like 40 years and still can`t conjugate verbs.
Nothing good has ever come from answering a call from a blocked phone number.
I realized my superpower.. I can walk into ANY bathroom.. And the toilet paper roll will be empty..
If you didn’t want me stopping by for cake, you shouldn`t have advertised your birthday with balloons & banner on your mailbox.
For some people, a new year means a new chance to f*ck it up all over again.
Hangman was my favorite childhood learning game that promoted hanging someone for a wrong answer.
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn. And now we wait....
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
The reason swans mate for life is because they don`t talk.
Missing my childhood super-powers, when I could sleep on the couch and wake up in bed.
I could actually watch golf on TV if Land Mines were involved.
6 FUNNIEST CONTRADICTING WORDS 1.Clearly misunderstood 2.Exact estimate 3.Small crowd 4.Found missing 5.Fully empty 6.Happily married