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The only way to open a pack of toilet paper is to fingerblast a hole through the plastic in one of the roll holes
That annoying feeling when you finally downloaded the movie you wanted to watch and BOOM!... It`s in French. #F**kYouFrance
I don`t remember anything that happened, but I may have had a drink or two...
You never hear skinny people saying, "I`m just small boned."
When one door opens & another one closes, your fricking house is HAUNTED!
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don`t have mixed tapes anymore?
If you`re married and having trouble, ask "what would Jesus do?" then remember that jesus was never married.
I just spent an hour at the gym. I couldn’t find a close enough parking spot so I left.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you`re not allowed to use them. Because nothing says class like useless towels.
I`m not the type of person you want to put on speaker during a phone conversation.
People are like dogs: There`s always someone who loves you for you and there`s someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
What flickering lights mean: 1% electrical problem 99% demons.
Why is it called a menstrual calendar and not a flow chart?
This is not meant for you. Look away. STOP LOOKING AT IT! :)
Our swear jar is always empty because of all the god damn foul mouthed thieves that live in this f*cking house.